This last week and a half has been a difficult one.
On Friday the 12th of June my Aunt Lori lost her battle with depression.
This got me thinking about my uncle who lost his battle over 20 years ago. About my mother, who almost lost her battle 5 years ago this past January, and me and my daily battle.
Things have been tough for me the last few months. Personally things are going good. I've enrolled into school at Glendale Community College. I need to go talk to someone at the school about financial aid, and then I'll be able to register for classes. I like being with mom and dad here in Phoenix, they really are my best friends. I LOVE the sun and the warmth. I LOVE the kids. I love being with the kids. I love being so close to the kids. They are such joy in my life. I love being able to see jenn and jeremy whenever I want. I miss emalee and kyle, and especially miss my erin. But i LOVE it here.
Health wise however... Back in March my heath insurance denied my treatment. They were no longer going to cover the cost of my Cell-Cept. There was no way I could afford to pay for it myself every month (costs $945.00 a month), so I went off my meds. I know, I know... Not a very good thing at all. I've already been yelled at about that about a million times. Well going off my meds wasn't a good thing. I was talking with the insurance company and the drug company for a while to get someone to cover my meds for me. But after 2 months, I seem to have slipped health wise. I'm tired again. I’m sore again. And my lungs hurt. I have to use oxygen at night as I sleep. I don't want to use the oxygen. It scares me. I had wonderful 6 months oxygen free. I'm on a new treatment plan. I'm taking Imuran now. It takes about 2 months to get into my system, so in the mean time I’m on prednisone. soooo not liking that... but yeah. You could say that it's my fault.
Anyway the whole reason for this little venture - My Aunt Lori, and my own daily battle with depression. It has been a scary one. I think about all the struggles I have right now with my life and wonder why the hell do I have to live like this. Why am I the one that is sick? Why does my family have to live like this? Am I just going to get sicker? Is this disease going to kill me? If it wasn't for those I love, my family, jenny telling me that if I was ever selfish enough to take my own life she would find me and kill me, and friends, I probably would have tried to kill myself a few times over again the past 17 years.
I struggle with this on a daily basis. I'm not saying that it is easy. There isn't a time that I can remember driving down the road alone without thinking of driving off that road or into another vehicle. There isn't a time that I get out of the shower or bath and see the veins in my wrists and think about cutting myself. There isn't a time when I think when I take some pain pills that if I take a few more than normal I could just fall asleep and never wake up. But the thing is. I don't do that. I remember what good I still have in my life. I remember my family. I remember my friends that love me, and I hear jenny's voice in my head telling me how angry she would be and that she would find me and kill me herself if I ever hurt her children like that.
I remember all this and live another day.